Women's Week at the Gym (Hillarious)

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made reservations with a personal trainer named Antonio, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Antonio waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!

Antonio gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. VERY inspiring.

Antonio was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Antonio made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air…then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Antonio is impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Antonio put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Antonio told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other CRAP too.



THURSDAY:
JerkFace was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being half an hour late- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Antonio took me to workout with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bimbo to find me. Then as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that idiot Antonio more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobics instructor. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Antonio wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t’ have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Satan left me a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!